sarcasm needs its own font
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
