I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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