I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
