meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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