apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
