i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
