I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
