I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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