Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
