Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
