i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
