Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
