Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
