I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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