No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
