just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
