it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
