my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's shark week go big or go home
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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