You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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