woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Someone stole a lamp last night.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
