I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize