until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I want to be your penis for a week.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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