I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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