soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
A bitchslap is in order.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
