My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
