i think i scared a bird with my dick
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Vodka?
Forever.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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