Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
