omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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