do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
