I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
