why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
