I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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