I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
