i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
