You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
