Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
