maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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