Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
nutella sex= disaster
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
