the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I AM VODKA MAN
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
