just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
