You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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