I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
