I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
