My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
