I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
