I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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