My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
