Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
