just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
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and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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