Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
