The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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