just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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