WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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