did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
