I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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