you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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