If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
