she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
