she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
