My first STD was from a foam party
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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