It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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